“I’ll tell you what freedom is, no fear!”
-Nina Simone
Those early days of starting blackbyrd initiative were some of the most challenging and invigorating moments of my life. It wasn’t the filing of my LLC and EIN, developing a business model or pulling from my reserves. To me, those tasks were easy in comparison to defining my own space. I recently had a reflection and was gifted with a message from God’s spirit. It was revealed to me that I’ve known and mastered resistance more than I did liberation. I had much familiarity with going against the grain and breaking someone else’s rules. And I was shown that “people pleasing” is also a form of resistance; resistance to self. Therefore,I had a weird duality within me. I didn’t conform into the culture of institutions that I thought didn’t best serve me. Yet, I would let people, who I thought mattered the most, tell me how I should be. I wanted a space for Black women to know freedom, but I first had to know it for myself.
It has been quite the journey, to say the least. I stripped myself down, became completely naked and stood before the mirror (metaphorically speaking). I had no one around, just me. Just my voice. I was scared at first because feeling exposed and vulnerable gave me discomfort. The moments of silence was eerie to me. I had to ask myself, “who are you?” And it made me anxious that I couldn’t come up with a clear answer without leaning on what I had always leaned on. I was dependent on how I thought my parents viewed me, what past teachers said about me, what former church members expected of me, what managers wanted from me and how peers viewed me. I had a moment where I cried because I felt bewildered towards myself; like I hadn’t known myself before.
I gave myself time to find calm, again. I would read, listen to podcasts, meditate, journal and go to therapy. Then, I would return to the mirror. Each time I came back, the image of myself in the reflection became clearer. I understood more of what I saw and I loved it. The thing is, these weren’t new pieces of me. I just wasn’t hiding them anymore. Spending time in the mirror and asking myself over and over again, “who are you?” helped me to define the mission for blackbyrd initiative. More importantly, it awakened me to myself. I know my intricacies and complexities. I know my attributes and flaws. I know that I have shown kindness and trespassed against others. I am multifaceted and multidimensional.
I am a Black woman, who loves God, people, art and social justice. I am confident, quirky and awkward. I have a degree, but I have learned more wisdom from ex-drug dealers and high school dropouts, like: Malcom X, Jay Z, Nipsey Hussle and 2Pac. I have a deep reverence and affinity for Black women. Harriet Tubman, Nina Simone and Maya Angelou are some of my biggest influencers, just as much as, Issa Rae, Megan Thee Stallion and Rihanna. I love gospel music and trap anthems. I quote Bible scriptures and curse like profanity is poetry. I love to rock turbans and plunging necklines.
I am a lot of things and I created a space that will welcome and celebrate them all. I don’t have to contort or manipulate myself to fit in. I don’t have to resist any rules or fight for space. I am free here. I no longer fear who I am and give permission to show up in this world as such. To me, that is liberation.
